How Rigid Thinking Sabotages Your Social Life
Hidden beliefs that keep you isolated
As the manager of a discord community of a few hundred neurodivergent people, I get a fly-on-the-wall view of neurodivergent social interactions ranging from fun to frightful. Mostly it’s pretty chill, but sometimes community members share about their life struggles, and in particular their struggle with a persistent lack of belonging. They have tried over and over to find acceptance, and often feel rejected and isolated.
While this is a super common experience for many neurodivergent folks, I find that the people who struggle with this the most, (or at least the most vocally) are stuck in some black-or-white stories about their ability to connect with others. And that ultimately feeds the vicious cycle of isolation.
Here are some examples of rigid thinking that neurodivergent people get stuck in and why it prevents them from forming connections:
“I don’t belong anywhere.” This creates a cycle of not belonging because you’re looking for the slightest hint that you are not accepted, and makes it harder for groups and communities to “pass the vibe check”.
Reality Check: It takes a while to build rapport with folks, and the immediate pressure for acceptance or rejection is more likely to lead to rejection. Let it be in the grey area for a while until trust and rapport is established.
“This group is too cliquey.” This is a way to escape doing the work of building rapport by blaming everyone else for not making social overtures or signaling acceptance right away.
Reality Check: Just because you aren’t immediately accepted doesn’t mean you should dismiss the whole group. There’s a difference between a clique and a group of people who already know each other. People tend to get comfy in their own group, and have trouble breaking away; and the expectation is that new people should be trying to join in conversation with an established group, not the other way around. Don’t give up after a couple feeble attempts.
“If I make a single mistake, I’m doomed/rejected/a loser/unfriendable.” Social perfectionism is the enemy of authentic connection. Filtering every interaction through the lens of pass/fail, winner/loser not only makes you less likely to be authentic around others (and vice versa), but diminishes the complex, messy process of building social bonds into two boxes.
Reality Check: You get more than a pass/fail in most cases. Making friends, building connections, and finding belonging is not a single elective course. It’s a lifelong process. You might mess up, but that’s ok. There are always chances for new connections and to do better next time.
Ultimately, these narratives are there as a form of self protection and psychological safety. They let you stay relatively comfortable by reinforcing a pattern of isolation. While longing for something can be painful, it’s not as complicated and challenging as actually having it.
So, how can you break out of these limiting beliefs and start making more authentic connections?
Lead with curiosity. If you’re genuinely curious about others, not only are they more likely to want to engage with you, but you’ll be less focused on yourself and your own performance.
Enjoy the journey. If you’re only focused on the outcomes of social interactions like making friends or finding romantic partners, then it’s easy to fall into the trap of “this isn’t working” thinking. Connecting with others, whether it’s for a few minutes or a few years, can be a rewarding pursuit on its own.
Stay open to possibilities. Live in the gray area. The messy middle. The horrific hope of something wildly rewarding. There are so many ways other people can perceive you, and they can even do the most human of all things…change their mind! You’ll never know unless you’re open to perceiving them in all their vulnerable variety.