Autistic “Coming Out” Talk
The Autistic Coming Out Talk: Sharing Your Authentic Self
So, you've realized you're autistic. But now comes the next step: sharing this important part of yourself with the people in your life. This can be a vulnerable and exciting time, and this guide is here to help you navigate the "autistic coming out talk" with friends and family. I’ve included infographics to help.
This guide focuses on interpersonal relationships and doesn't address professional or legal situations like work or school. Sharing your autism is entirely your choice. It's a personal decision, and you get to decide how much and when to disclose.
How Much to Share: From Full to Partial Disclosure
You might choose to say "I'm autistic," but there are other ways to approach the conversation. If you're not comfortable using those specific words, you can partially disclose by talking about how your brain works differently. Phrases like "my brain," "my unique brain," or "my neurodivergence/neurotype" can be helpful starting points. Disclose at a pace that feels comfortable for you. The infographic visually represents this spectrum of disclosure.
When to Open Up: Recognizing the Right Time
Many late-diagnosed autistic people experience a shift in their close relationships as they begin to understand themselves better. You might notice changes in yourself, and relationships can feel strained. Masking might become more difficult, and you may crave deeper, more authentic connections. A professional diagnosis or the desire to request accommodations from loved ones can also be a catalyst for this conversation.
These signs can indicate that it's time for the "autistic coming out talk"—a blanket term for several important things you might choose to include in your conversation. These are optional, depending on your comfort level and the relationship you have or desire to have with the other person.
Key Elements of the Conversation
However you choose to express yourself, these key points are important to convey:
Your Self-Discovery Journey: Explain that you've been learning about how your brain works. You can use terms like "neurodivergent," "my brain," "my unique brain," or "autistic," depending on your comfort level.
The Invitation: Emphasize the importance of your relationship and that you're inviting them to be a part of this journey with you. Giving them the option to "opt in" is powerful.
Specific Requests: Be clear about what you need from them. This could include educating themselves about autism, making accommodations, or simply offering empathy and understanding.
Diving Deeper: Expanding on the Key Elements
Let's explore these points in more detail:
Setting the Context: Begin by focusing on your personal journey of self-discovery. Share as much or as little as feels right, but emphasize the personal growth you've experienced.
Example Scripts:
"I’ve been learning a lot about myself recently, specifically about how my brain works. I’d like to share some of that with you."
"I’ve recently discovered that I’m neurodivergent, and that my brain works differently. I’d like to share some of that with you."
"I’m autistic, and it’s taken me a while to understand what that means for me. I’d like to share some of that with you."
The Invitation: This is crucial. It reinforces the value of your relationship and invites the other person to be a witness to your journey. This gives them the opportunity to opt in and strengthens your bond. It also acknowledges that there might be some emotional labor involved on their part. Their response will help you understand how much space they deserve in your life moving forward. Remember, setting boundaries is about deciding how you treat yourself based on how others treat you. If they are unsupportive or dismissive, you get to decide how much access they have to you.
Example Scripts:
"I really appreciate our friendship/relationship, and I’m hoping we can talk more about what I’m learning about myself. Would that be ok with you?"
"It would mean a lot to me if you’d be willing to check out these resources on neurodiversity. It would help me feel better understood by you. Would you be willing to do that?"
Specific Requests: Help the other person understand what you need from them. Do you need support and affirmation? Do you need changes in your interactions? Do you want them to learn more about autism? Many people want to help but don't know how. Clearly communicate your expectations. "I’m learning I have different needs around _____ (spending time together, scheduling, our shared activities, communication frequency/mode, other ways my brain works)."
Dealing with Difficult Reactions
You might encounter disbelief, invalidation, pushback, or negative comments. This is unfortunately common. If you feel yourself becoming activated, angry, or defensive, excuse yourself or request a pause.
Here are some strategies for handling negative responses:
Stop the conversation.
When you're calm, address their comments directly.
Share educational resources.
Set a boundary.
Practice self-care afterward. You got through a challenging conversation.
Remember, you don't have to cover everything in one conversation. Revisit the topic as needed to feel accepted, seen, heard, and validated. Communicate directly that you're seeking supportive responses, acceptance, and validation.
Questions to Ask Yourself
What do I want out of this conversation? (e.g., just starting the conversation, feeling validated, accepted, seen, heard, understood, a willingness from the other person to hear more)
What do I want from my friend/family member moving forward? (e.g., support, accommodations, understanding, acceptance)
Why is it important for me to have this conversation? (e.g., acceptance, understanding, the ability to unmask, a supportive relationship, knowing if this person can offer those things)
How/when do I want to have it? (e.g., time, place, planned or impromptu, phone, text, or in person)
Sharing your autism is a significant step. By preparing and approaching the conversation thoughtfully, you can create space for deeper understanding and connection with the people you care about.
Author’s Note:
AI was used to create the text of this blog. I consider it an accommodation because my autistic brain tends to write in an overly formal and dry way. I have an AI take my “formal” draft and revise it into a more conversational tone for this blog.